As I am sitting here writing, I look down at my feet and ankles. I am reminded how my body, and its parts have been shaped by life, as with all of us; what we have experience and done in our lives, how we were raised and where we have been, all shape every part of our bodies, whether we like to acknowledge it or not. Whenever I look down at my feet and ankles, physically I see the chronic swelling left behind from years of trying to fit into shoes that didn't fit. I might have mentioned it before, I grew up dancing classical ballet from the age of 5, at 12 started with rhythmic gymnastics, continued on with classical and contemporary dance till around 30, when I finally stopped dancing intensely. When I say, "shoes that didn't fit," I mean that physically and metaphorically.
 
I started pointe work, dancing on your toes, around 11. This process is no simple feat; basically, it is so unnatural for the feet that one has almost to start early enough in order to shape and create enough strength in the feet, as well as to get use to the discomfort of stuffing one's toes into uncomfortable shoes, but not too early in childhood or else growth will be stunted. I remember, how pain, blisters and blood were a normal occurrence during/ after pointe class, even if the shoes were fitted "right," which they almost always didn't feel like. Most ballet dancers have their own tactics to protect their toes. I had lamb's wool strands, which I would wrap my 2 lasts toes of each foot, pull my tights over them and put on my shoes. These helped but if something was off on that day, let's say the humidity in the air was high, too much moisture from sweat or class was at the end of the day, when my feet and toes would possibly be slightly bigger, then my toes would suffer; regular blisters with clear fluid, blood-filled blisters, bruised toenail beds, these are normal circumstances of dancers who do pointe. I still have toenails that will stop growing at some point and I have to rip off the nail so that the new nail can grow afresh, after almost 20 years  post-dancing. Sounds like war-wounds, doesn't it?  
 
What's more, ballet is so form-specific that you have to have the "correct" foot form, or even body form to be successful in it. To be brutally honest, I had the "wrong" body for ballet. I was not blessed by the ballet-gods with high-arched feet; the arch that I have comes from years of work. When I look in the mirror and extend my right foot, it looks like a dancer's foot, but not like a virtuoso ballet dancer. My left foot, through injuries, looks like a deformed, swollen mass of a foot, which sometimes calls out for my attention with pain. Pain, which I have no explanation for sometimes. Perhaps, it is remembering the trauma of being stuffed into shoes that didn't fit 25 years long. A form it did not or could not fit into and being made to do movements that it wasn't meant to do. However, this for me is not a curse but a blessing. My left foot, was and still is the body part that leads me to explore healing; healing of self and of others. It opens a door to the healing world for me. The first time I tried acupuncture was because this ankle asked to be taken care of. I became aware of a whole different world that exists, parallel to the physical world; the energetic one. This has led me to study Chinese Medicine and explore the world of (un)consciousness. 
 
The journey has only just begun. My ankle still talks to me, reminding me to stay open; learn new ways to sense things, try new methods of healing and wear shoes that give space as well as support my movement in life. Whenever I perform movement in Tai Ji Quan, Qi Gong or Yoga, I feel the boundaries my ankle sets for me in the physical realm, but these are healthy ones that I have learned not to exceed. It is like moving to the edge of a cliff and finding a safe spot to enjoy the view, among other things. I have learned to listen and do self-care for my ankle. Maybe I look silly wearing boots on a warm, sunny day but if my ankle tells me it feels well supported in it, I listen. It is one of my inner barometers, it confirms if the shoe fits from the inside, not how it looks from the outside. My ankle teaches me to wear the shoe that fits me well, not what fits others.    
 
        
 
 
 
Image by Pixabay on pexels.com

​As I sat on the sofa one day at the end of the 1990s, in between studies and work at university in the US, I heard a talk on TV given by a "Holistic" medical physician. Her name is Dr. Christiane Northrup. First of all, I had not even known that a Holistic medical doctor even existed at that point in time, so I listened. Her talk was about the book she had written a few years earlier entitled, " Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom." She asked a very awakening question that touched me deeply and I am paraphrasing it, "How would it be if a girl is taught at a very young age that her menstrual cycle which she would experience from puberty onward is her ability to bring life into the world and that it is something special?" I thought to myself, "Wow! How would that have been for me if I had heard this at that point in time?" 
 
The experience of my personal menarche came back to me in that moment. No adult in my family had explained to me what the menstrual period was; my sisters sort of tried but not really as they themselves were teenagers. The first I heard was from other girls my age or a little older. They told me all sorts of strange things that invoked fear, "bleeding from below that can come at anytime," "pain!" and "blood stains all over your clothes." The only adult who did talk to us about the menstrual period was a female educator, hired by the school system and menstrual hygiene company to explain to us, by showing us a video of what happens anatomically, marking the calendar monthly, how to wear a pad or possibly a tampon and giving out free samples of menstrual pads to us 10-11-year-olds; I am sure this was a strategy to ensure that we, pre-pubescent girls, would buy and favor their brand of sanitary hygiene products for the rest of our menstruating years. No one mentioned how special it was, or anything about life-giving. I wasn't welcomed into womanhood, I felt like it was more of hiding my femaleness, being more segregated from the males of my society and definitely no sign of honoring me being a woman. Almost a feeling of shame, if I am honest about it. I did not receive a special ritual or celebration of entering womanhood, as in many traditional cultures. It was kept as quiet as possible. When my menarche came, it was a little uncomfortable for me to tell my mom that it had begun. I had the free samples sanitary pads from years earlier to use, but I did tell her in whispers and she provided me with more. But there was no more talk about how it was, her own experience of menses or anything else. 
 
After Dr. Christiane Northrup's talk, which also focused on other themes of being a woman, I knew that if I ever had children, especially females one, I would be open to explaining and sharing my experiences of menstruation; to explain to them how special it is that they have a monthly bleeding that prepares our women bodies to bring life into the world and how this connects us to the Earth, as well as all life on Earth. Also, to welcome them into the circle of Women and celebrate their Womanhood. I do not have female children but that has not stopped me from sharing with my young men about menses and our bodies, female and male. If this information doesn't come from me, who will share it with them? 
I realized that I did not want a repeat of misinformation and ignorance, like I experienced as a teenager, because the adults around me were too ashamed to discuss their/our bodies. I also share this with my patients, some are young girls coming into womanhood and others are grown women, mothers or grandmothers, entering the "changing years." We speak openly about menstruation and other phases in life that women go through, our experiences and that we do not have to accept pain or discomfort as 'normal'; there are Chinese medical plants, (acu)points and practices that help create smoother menstrual flow. I believe that through bringing light to these very important life themes, we dispel these archaic ideas of shame of our bodies. Our bodies are as natural as nature is.
 
This year at ICM, we have decided to honor and give space to Womanhood. We will be launching our Women-Life-Phases project - to inform, create consciousness, to honor Womanhood and provide healing support through Chinese Medicine, as well as other healing modalities. This does not mean we don't give space to males, that may be our next project for the coming years. It is our way of creating balance that has been lacking in our society/world for a while. It is also quite ironic that this comes at our 15th anniversary year, almost as if ICM is at its "coming of age." Watch out for info coming up on our website, in the form of live presentations, pamphlets, info sheets and who knows what else.  
 
 
 
 
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