As I am sitting here writing, I look down at my feet and ankles. I am reminded how my body, and its parts have been shaped by life, as with all of us; what we have experience and done in our lives, how we were raised and where we have been, all shape every part of our bodies, whether we like to acknowledge it or not. Whenever I look down at my feet and ankles, physically I see the chronic swelling left behind from years of trying to fit into shoes that didn't fit. I might have mentioned it before, I grew up dancing classical ballet from the age of 5, at 12 started with rhythmic gymnastics, continued on with classical and contemporary dance till around 30, when I finally stopped dancing intensely. When I say, "shoes that didn't fit," I mean that physically and metaphorically.
 
I started pointe work, dancing on your toes, around 11. This process is no simple feat; basically, it is so unnatural for the feet that one has almost to start early enough in order to shape and create enough strength in the feet, as well as to get use to the discomfort of stuffing one's toes into uncomfortable shoes, but not too early in childhood or else growth will be stunted. I remember, how pain, blisters and blood were a normal occurrence during/ after pointe class, even if the shoes were fitted "right," which they almost always didn't feel like. Most ballet dancers have their own tactics to protect their toes. I had lamb's wool strands, which I would wrap my 2 lasts toes of each foot, pull my tights over them and put on my shoes. These helped but if something was off on that day, let's say the humidity in the air was high, too much moisture from sweat or class was at the end of the day, when my feet and toes would possibly be slightly bigger, then my toes would suffer; regular blisters with clear fluid, blood-filled blisters, bruised toenail beds, these are normal circumstances of dancers who do pointe. I still have toenails that will stop growing at some point and I have to rip off the nail so that the new nail can grow afresh, after almost 20 years  post-dancing. Sounds like war-wounds, doesn't it?  
 
What's more, ballet is so form-specific that you have to have the "correct" foot form, or even body form to be successful in it. To be brutally honest, I had the "wrong" body for ballet. I was not blessed by the ballet-gods with high-arched feet; the arch that I have comes from years of work. When I look in the mirror and extend my right foot, it looks like a dancer's foot, but not like a virtuoso ballet dancer. My left foot, through injuries, looks like a deformed, swollen mass of a foot, which sometimes calls out for my attention with pain. Pain, which I have no explanation for sometimes. Perhaps, it is remembering the trauma of being stuffed into shoes that didn't fit 25 years long. A form it did not or could not fit into and being made to do movements that it wasn't meant to do. However, this for me is not a curse but a blessing. My left foot, was and still is the body part that leads me to explore healing; healing of self and of others. It opens a door to the healing world for me. The first time I tried acupuncture was because this ankle asked to be taken care of. I became aware of a whole different world that exists, parallel to the physical world; the energetic one. This has led me to study Chinese Medicine and explore the world of (un)consciousness. 
 
The journey has only just begun. My ankle still talks to me, reminding me to stay open; learn new ways to sense things, try new methods of healing and wear shoes that give space as well as support my movement in life. Whenever I perform movement in Tai Ji Quan, Qi Gong or Yoga, I feel the boundaries my ankle sets for me in the physical realm, but these are healthy ones that I have learned not to exceed. It is like moving to the edge of a cliff and finding a safe spot to enjoy the view, among other things. I have learned to listen and do self-care for my ankle. Maybe I look silly wearing boots on a warm, sunny day but if my ankle tells me it feels well supported in it, I listen. It is one of my inner barometers, it confirms if the shoe fits from the inside, not how it looks from the outside. My ankle teaches me to wear the shoe that fits me well, not what fits others.    
 
        
 
 
 
Image by Pixabay on pexels.com

The Chinese character for Centre or Middle is, 中 Zhōng in Mandarin. I recently looked up a Wiktionary etymology of this character and it describes 2 versions of this pictogram: one being a target, the rectangle box being shot through by an arrow, the second, derived possibly from a more ancient character as in the image above, being a flagpole with a drum being beaten by the wind, placed in the centre of a field to gather people together and to detect the direction of the wind. The meaning of this character, Zhōng, is either "middle" or "centre" or "to hit the centre" or "to attain."  

It is quite unknown to many that the name for the country China is not what Chinese people call their own country. They call their country Zhōng Guó,中國, meaning "Middle State" or "Middle Country." The modern mainland Chinese call their country Zhōng Huá Rén Mín Gòng Hé Guó, People's Republic of China. "China" was a name given to them by the Persians, or possibly ancient Indians and then adopted by the Europeans. There are many reasons that led to the people of China calling their country Zhōng Guó, which archaeological sources date back to the period known as the Warring States Period, ca. 471 to 221 BCE. But what has then occurred is that the medicine that we called Chinese Medicine, which is called in Mandarin Zhōng Yī,中醫, directly translates as "Middle Medicine." 

It only recently occurred to me that a "Medicine of the Middle" is about finding the Centre, which for me also refers to finding balance. This is true of Chinese Medicine, there is a focus in finding balance within the individual; the individual within her/his social-emotional, physical and spiritual environment. The concepts of Yin-Yang and the Five Phases/Elements, which are the basis of Chinese Medicine, are about balance. Over 10 years ago, I was in a course for Shonishin, Japanese Children's Acupuncture, with Dr. Thomas Wernicke. He got us to lay like babies, in order that we understand the perspective of the world that babies have. One of the important growth milestones for a baby is rolling, either from belly to back or reverse, which typically occurs between the 4th and 6th month in a healthy child. Before a baby can perform this, it must first find its midline, that means hands and feet, right and left must be able to connect with each other. Once they can perform this on a regular basis, the body will be able to tip sideways, and they begin their movement journey towards being upright. This was an illuminating moment for me. I became more aware of my own Centre as well as how important it is to be Centred in order to be alive and thriving. 
  
It has been a few years now since I began practicing Yoga. What has drawn me to practice it regularly in recent years has been the connection I sense with myself internally and externally as well as, what I perceive as a playfulness with my own body(-mind). After spending my early years of life till my 20s dancing on my feet and the next few decades practicing rooting through my feet-legs through Tai Ji Quan/Qi Gong, I find being upside-down on my head, arm and hands just fabulously exciting. My most recent goal is the Handstand; the description of Handstand is very deceiving as it not just about trying to stand on the hands. Through this process, I am evolving a new awareness of balance and my Centre, not just in the literal sense but also in my life. I am finding that balance is not a static place/event; it is a constant fluctuation between stillness and movement. Some days I achieve balance on my hands for 3 seconds and another for just a milli-second. I receive minute information from different body parts like the base of my hand or my phalanges (the bones of my fingers) on where my balance is. I find that I am in constant "conversation" with my body and its different parts. It brings me into the here-and-now, because if for one split second of handstanding I lose my focus, I may fall painfully on my head. I accept all these gratefully as I know deep inside me, a cauldron of deep knowing is in the brewing.
 
As we just passed the Autumn Equinox (time of equal day and night) last week, I had the feeling that balance is being called for. We can all definitely find a little more balance in our lives and what better way than to become aware of our Centres. Take a moment of quietness and stillness in either standing, sitting or lying. Become aware of your body in space. Then, ask yourself, "Where is my Centre?" and just listen to your body answering.
 
 
 
Image Headstand by Aron H.
Image Zhōng Bronz Inscription and Silk Script from Wiktionary
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